Your Pastor is a Liar

Akay, first thing’s first: yes – I did it!  See here.  And thanks for your immoral support…

Now, your pastor is a liar, and for several reasons, which I shall demonstrate by ordaining myself as Pasta Tim.  Akay, I am now Pasta Tim.  Thank you Lord.

Pasta Tim: “My dear brothers and sisters of the Cooley Church… This week is a very important week for mankind indeed…  It was on Christmas Day that Jesus Christ, our Light, our Saviour, was born.  So, let us pray together, Oh Lord…  Mumble, jumble, dumble – May your love consume us all that we might share your glory.  Ah men.  Akay.  Now, let us turn to Psalms 100:5 – ‘The Lord is good.  His love endures forever, his faithfulness continues through all generations.’  Did you know, brothers and sisters, that God loves us all unconditionally?  Yes!  God’s love is higher than the heavens.  His love is great beyond our comprehension.  All the time, God is blessing us all.  Akay – so what I’m actually saying is, every man on Earth needs God’s love.  We are Christians and therefore it is our duty to proclaim God’s love, as well as to spread the good word of our Heavenly Father.  Since we Christians have learnt the ultimate Truth of love, we must share it with the rest of humankind.  So, brothers and sisters, let us pray – Mumble, jumble, dumble, boy, aren’t we so humble?  Heavenly Father, thank you also for my beautiful wife Harry and my dog Snowy.  Ah men.’

As I hope I’ve proven here, it’s not that hard to get paid for reciting rhetorical nonsense, tax-free.  So I suggest you all try out for a job at the Cooley Church.  Contact the church at 03-666-666 if you’re interested.  Now, let’s do this!  We’re really going to pick this crap apart.

  1. “My dear brothers and sisters…” – I am not your brother.
  2. “…of Cooley Church” – That church doesn’t exist.  Liar.  Did you mean the Tim Cooley Foundation for Reason and Science?
  3. “This week is a very important week for mankind indeed…”  – No…?  It is only an important week for Christians.  Actually, to be fair, it is also important for me, just cos I want my new iPod.  But you don’t speak for the Pastafarians.
  4. “It was on Christmas Day that Jesus Christ, our Light, our Saviour, was born.”  No, it wasn’t.  Here would be a good time to give credit to the pagans, and particularly the Babylonians, off whom you stole the date December 25.
  5. “… Mumble, jumble, dumble …”  – Rhetorical non-sense.
  6. “Ah men.” – Proof that Bible is sexist.
  7. “God loves us all unconditionally.” – Akay?  But aren’t you going to mention the “God hates us all unconditionally” part, too?  Your God is a control freak and a baby killer.  Read the Old Testament.  I know omitting facts doesn’t necessarily make you an liar, but it makes you a darn deceptive propagandist, Pasta Tim.  Yes, that’s right you cheeky basted, stop reading from Psalms and Revelations!  A bit more from Ezekiel or Deuteronomy or Leviticus where all the awesomely retarded stuff are.  It would make church A LOT less boring.
  8. “Yes!  God’s love is higher than the heavens.” – So you think.
  9. “His love is great beyond our comprehension.” – You sir just comprehended it in #8.
  10. “God is blessing us all.” – No.  You think God is blessing us all.
  11. “Every man on Earth needs God’s love.” – No.  You think every man needs God’s love.  In fact, Muslims don’t need God’s love.  I think you need Allah’s love.  Hey, you seem hungry.  Have a Buddha.  Have a Vishnu.  Have a BBQ’ed Pink Unicorn.
  12. “…to spread the good word of our Heavenly Father…” – Just the good word?  Not Deuteronomy 23:1 “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”?
  13. “Since we Christians have learnt the ultimate Truth…”You think you know the ultimate Truth.
  14. “…we must share it with the rest of humankind.” – Oh, no sir, you mustn’t.  I don’t care and I don’t want to know about your imaginary friend.
  15. “So, brothers and sisters…” – I said, I am not your f#%king brother. (But to be fair, you’re actually my distant cousin, but then again, chimpanzees and earthworms are my distant cousins, too.)
  16. “…aren’t we so humble?” – Yep, certainly.  For someone who’s unwilling to present any piece of evidence for your claims, you seem to know an awful damn lot about what mankind is and what mankind needs.
  17. “thank you also for my beautiful wife Harry…” – Yes, we all know you’re gay.  So stop being so anti-yourself.
  18. “… and my dog Snowy.”  He’s a terrier.  No lies here.

Actually, do you want to see how scientists do it?  I really want to show you how scientists do it, cos right now it seems like, although you have no evidence to support your faith whatsoever, you know everything about the “purpose of life” already, and nothing in this world could convince you otherwise.  Here’s Darwin:

“I think…” – as opposed to “I know.”

It’ll do you all real good to stop reading from that Bronze-Age novel of yours, and to actually pick up a 21st-century science text-book.  I think your faith is stupid and you need to stop shoving it down my throat.