Evolution is wrong, because…


Evolution is wrong.  Yet scientists continue indoctrinate our children with its outright propaganda, and they refuse even teach the controversy Intelligent Design.  Hopefully, this article will prove to you that evolution is indeed wrong.

Evolution is wrong because evolutionary scientists lie.  The Piltdown Man and Haeckel’s Embryos are just two of the many, many lies evolutionists like to tell.  I could even name like two more fossil hoaxes.  This prove that the whole fossil record is a big fat lie invented by evolutionists… although, I’ve never actually been to the natural history museum to see the millions of fossils, which aren’t hoaxes.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter.  Onto my second point.

Evolution is wrong because there are no transitional fossils.  Missing links are still missing.  There has never been found a crocoduck because I have absolutely no facking idea what a transitional fossil is supposed to look like, yet in the air of propagation, and in my bubble of sheer ignorance, I repeat this statement “There are no transitional fossils” as if I were Kirk Cameron’s robot. 

Creationist T-shirt, as interpreted by the world.

Evolution is wrong because 99% of all biologists are deluded by Satan.  Fossils are either planted by the devil to mislead us, or by God to test our faith.  To be honest, I’d rather put my faith in fairy-tales and superstition than in science, since I grew up with them, and I wouldn’t want to find out that I’ve actually wasted the past 60 years of my life believing in some myth that says we’re all here because Adam ate an apple, or that Noah brought the entire animal kingdom in his jolly wooden boat. 

Evolution is wrong because scientists have yet to prove it.  Evolution has never been tested in the lab.  Let’s ignore the fact that evolution has in fact been observed and repeated in both the test-tube and in nature.  By the way, don’t give me or my kids any vaccinations during the next flu season, because evolution is an evil lie and I should like to have nothing to do with it.

Evolution is wrong because Intelligent Design is a lot easier to understand.  God created our existence, just like how Thor used to create thunder, or how Zeus used to create lightning.  Yes, Intelligent Design is to evolution like Intelligent Falling is to gravity. 

Evolution is wrong because it’s only a theory.  I have no clue what a scientific theory is because I’ve never bothered to look it up.  The theory of atoms, however, isn’t really a “just a theory” because it doesn’t go against my Bronze-Age book.  Everything that goes against my faith is wrong, because I don’t give a fack about evidence.  Which reminds me, when I was a kid I cried a lot when I found out that Santa wasn’t real.  I really really don’t want to go through that again. 

Evolution is wrong because I get my science from Answers In Genesis.org, a site dedicated to proving that unicorns really existed (What, you don’t believe me?).  And when I do my study on evolution, which I scarcely do, instead of googling “Evidence for evolution”, I google “Evolution is a lie”, because I already know that evolution is a lie, I just needed some confirmation. 

Evolution is wrong because carbon-dating is wrong.  We carbon-dated a living snail, and the results were absolutely bizarre, thus proving that this dating method is inaccurate and unreliable!  Screw reservoir effects on marine animals, carbon-dating is just plain wrong.  So is dendrochronology.  So is thermoluminescence dating.  So is the law of superposition.  Any science to do with evolution is wrong.  Got it?

Evolution is wrong because the Flintstones were in fact a documentary.  Humans lived with dinosaurs 6,000 years ago, and I have proof!  By the way, T-rexes were vegetarians, despite the fact that… oh… shit

The best proof for Creationism.
Because the fossil record doesn’t matter.
 

Evolution is wrong because it violates the second law of  thermodynamics.  I don’t actually have a bloody clue what the law actually states, but I know that evolution violates it, because my creationist friends said so and I just feel like repeating their lies. 

Evolution is wrong because it states that something as complex as an eye could have come about by chance!  Of course, I got that definition of evolution from Mr. Kent Hovind, who is now in jail for tax fraud.  When I used this argument in a debate the other day, this atheist Tim Cooley said to me: “Evolution is the very opposite of chance, you IDiot!”  Since he called me an “idiot” I realised that atheists are actually very very immoral…  Facking Hitler-loving evil-doing fascists.  This proves that evolution is false and people who believe in it should be stoned to death, like in the Bible. 

Evolution is wrong because it claims that life could have come about from non-life.  Naturally, I have never heard of the term Abiogenesis and can’t make the distinction between “the origin of species” and “the origin of life”.  Also, evolution is bad because it is “the survival of the fittest”.  Tim Cooley told me that evolution is actually “the survival of the most adapted or adapatable to change”.  Bullshit.  Tim Cooley doesn’t know what he’s talking about. 

Evolution is wrong because lots of famous scientists were creationists.  To name a few:

Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1727), creationist

 

DISCIPLINE SCIENTIST
ANTISEPTIC SURGERY JOSEPH LISTER (1827-1912)
BACTERIOLOGY LOUIS PASTEUR (1822-1895)
CALCULUS ISAAC NEWTON (1642-1727)
CELESTIAL MECHANICS JOHANN KEPLER (1571-1630)
CHEMISTRY ROBERT BOYLE (1627-1691)
COMPARATIVE ANATOMY GEORGES CUVIER (1769-1832)
COMPUTER SCIENCE CHARLES BABBAGE (1792-1871)
DIMENSIONAL ANALYSIS LORD RAYLEIGH (1842-1919)
DYNAMICS ISAAC NEWTON (1642-1727)
ELECTRONICS JOHN AMBROSE FLEMING (1849-1945)
ELECTRODYNAMICS JAMES CLERK MAXWELL (1831-1879)
ELECTRO-MAGNETICS MICHAEL FARADAY (1791-1867)
ENERGETICS LORD KELVIN (1824-1907)
ENTOMOLOGY OF LIVING INSECTS HENRI FABRE (1823-1915)
FIELD THEORY MICHAEL FARADAY (1791-1867)
FLUID MECHANICS GEORGE STOKES (1819-1903)
GALACTIC ASTRONOMY WILLIAM HERSCHEL (1738-1822)
GAS DYNAMICS ROBERT BOYLE (1627-1691)
GENETICS GREGOR MENDEL (1822-1884)
GLACIAL GEOLOGY LOUIS AGASSIZ (1807-1873)
GYNECOLOGY JAMES SIMPSON (1811-1870)
HYDRAULICS LEONARDO DA VINCI (1452-1519)
HYDROGRAPHY MATTHEW MAURY (1806-1873)
HYDROSTATICS BLAISE PASCAL (1623-1662)
ICHTHYOLOGY LOUIS AGASSIZ (1807-1873)
ISOTOPIC CHEMISTRY WILLIAM RAMSAY (1852-1916)
MODEL ANALYSIS LORD RAYLEIGH (1842-1919)
NATURAL HISTORY JOHN RAY (1627-1705)
NON-EUCLIDEAN GEOMETRY BERNHARD RIEMANN (1826- 1866)
OCEANOGRAPHY MATTHEW MAURY (1806-1873)
OPTICAL MINERALOGY DAVID BREWSTER (1781-1868)
PALEONTOLOGY JOHN WOODWARD (1665-1728)
PATHOLOGY RUDOLPH VIRCHOW (1821-1902)
PHYSICAL ASTRONOMY JOHANN KEPLER (1571-1630)
REVERSIBLE THERMODYNAMICS JAMES JOULE (1818-1889)
STATISTICAL THERMODYNAMICS JAMES CLERK MAXWELL (1831-1879)
STRATIGRAPHY NICHOLAS STENO (1631-1686)
SYSTEMATIC BIOLOGY CAROLUS LINNAEUS (1707-1778)
THERMODYNAMICS LORD KELVIN (1824-1907)
THERMOKINETICS HUMPHREY DAVY (1778-1829)
VERTEBRATE PALEONTOLOGY GEORGES CUVIER (1769-1832)

Holy shit.  Almost none of them actually lived after Darwin’s time. Doesn’t matter. My point still holds.

Evolution is wrong because in my opinion it is against the Bible, and since the Bible is the word of God, I’d rather trust in Jesus than in stupid scientists in lab coats.  Yet I still go to the hospital when I’m sick because I know that sometimes, scientists are right and can save my life.  (Jesus can save my life too! – but I’d still rather be alive than dead.)  The only reason I am against evolution is because of my religion.  Ironically, my great, great grandfather was also against the “spherical-earth” theory because of his religion.  Haha, it sure runs in the family.  (Definitely God’s plan, not genetics.)

Although there is ample evidence for evolution, I’d rather believe in the literal account of Genesis, in which a man was created from dust, and a woman was created from man’s rib, and a woman ate an apple because a talking snake told her to.  Evolution is so stupid.  We should teach our children about Noah’s floating zoo instead, so that they could grow up to be as smart as we are.  I am a creationist — a true follower of Christ — and a facking disgrace to human intelligence. 

“LALALA I’M NOT LISTENING LALALA,” – creationist
“If evolution were true, why are there still monkeys creationists around?!”

After all, unlike you, I never evolved.

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