How to become a Christian.

Please read this article carefully and with a critical eye.

The easiest way to become a Christian is to be indoctrinated as a child.  The child’s brain is programmed to believe adult authority.  Under seven is usually preferred, as the child’s brain is still pre-operational and pre-logical (Piaget).  In the same manner, children learn to believe in tooth-fairies, Santa, Zeus, Vishnu, Enlightenment, Allah, or … yes, Yahweh.  Also, It would help to be born directly into a Christian community.  If you were born in Afghanistan, your chances of finding Jesus are rather low.

The next step is to, as an adult, abandon all rational thought.  This wouldn’t be too difficult a task if you were indoctrinated as a child, because chances are you wouldn’t have any rational thought to begin with.  A Christian who has succeeded this step should be able to make statements such as “I know that God is real” or “God must be real” or “Atheism is a religion” or, for you creationists out there, “Evolution is a fairy-tale”.

Next, you must convince yourself that you have a personal relationship with Christ.  This can be done with the aid of church by means of speaking in tongues, singing to church music, shouting “Hallelujah!” or witnessing miraculous feet healing.  If convincing yourself is hard, then you might wish to convince others instead.  This is usually done on unsuspecting doorsteps at 9 o’clock in the morning or around street corners. 

For moral support, you must never hesitate to consult the Word of God.  However, by now you should have realised that the Bible isn’t the most morally sound book around, but when challenged, always respond that the Bible must always be taken in context.  Obviously, there exists a context in which the rape of women and murder of children is permissible and righteous.  When the immoral atheist compares the Bible to the Qur’an, quickly point out that Allah is a false god invented by barbaric, primitive Middle-eastern sheepherders. 

In reading the Bible, you must remember to apply your own moral judgement to decide the quotes with which you are to live your “Christian” life, for example:

kill non-believers | rape non-believers’ daughter | love your neighbours | stone your neighbours | circumcise your child | homosexuals are an abomination | burn witches | life is sanctified | god likes animal sacrifice | rape captives | behead captives | god loves you | kill entire town if one person worships a false god | open the door to your heart  | women cannot speak in church | punish rape victims | Jesus is coming | … etc.

If worse comes to worse, blame translation or context.  You must be able to convince yourself that any Biblical verse is moral given the right translation or context.  The atheist might argue that “thou shalt not kill” is taken out of context since the Bible is filled with senseless murder.  You must remember that the atheist has no moral values and do not deserve to take part in this spiritual discussion.

As a Christian, you will find yourself constantly craving to spread the Good News of the Lord.  It is difficult to convert a person given that he was not, like you, indoctrinated as a child to believe in the desert god Yahweh.  It is even more difficult to convert a person who belongs to a different cult, which surprisingly also has its own book, revelations and fulfilled prophecies.  By all means, you must stand strong that Yahweh is true and all the other gods are man-made.  This is essentially difficult considering the fact that Yahweh arrived late on the scene and his creation myth isn’t particularly convincing.

If you have read this far, you are probably already in the process of thinking of different ways to refute the heretical upstart Tim Cooley.  Unfortunately, you can’t.  Your desert god has as much probability of being real as the Flying Spaghetti Monster who lives in a celestial teapot hanging on the horn of the Invisible Pink Unicorn who resides out of space and time and is also the prime mover of our universe.

However, you must remain certain that your experiences with God are real and not imaginary.  You must also remain certain that on the other hand, a Muslim’s experiences with Allah are imaginary and not real.  You must find a logical way to reconcile these propositions, however there exists none.  In this situation, you must quickly resort to using the word “Faith”.  Here is an essentially good time to accuse atheism of being a faith-based religion.

By now you are terribly infuriated.  Those immoral atheists have shown little to no interest in your imaginary friend.  You can expect that soon the atheist will ask you to prove God’s existence.  You may here wish to recite the ontological or cosmological arguments, however this is not recommended as they have already been refuted countless times.  Instead, be prepared to toss back the burden of proof: “You can’t prove that God doesn’t exist!”  Obviously, the atheist cannot blame you for not thinking rationally, because you have already abandoned rationality in the second paragraph of this article.

To make an atheist angry, say random stuff like “I’ll pray for you” or “Jesus loves you anyway”.  If you are a creationist, take this opportunity to diss Charles Darwin and his theory that “chance created everything”.  Attack this strawman for a while — the atheist will soon leave the room with his face in his palms.

Congratulations, you are now a true Christian.  You have defeated the atheist, thus proving the existence of Zeus.