The church needs me.


It’s that time of year again and the church needs my crappy violin playing skills.  I’m not sure if I’ll do it this year, but maybe I should just say yes and then wait till the last minute and go “woops”.  Or maybe I should go up on stage and really mess up their show.  For example, ending on a bleak minor chord during the phrase “Joy to the world, the Lord is come.”  It’d be nice to screw with them once in a while, seeing that they’ve screwed me ever since I was old enough to go to Sunday School.  You see, I hate the church.  I go there for entertainment.  When I was 10 I was an avid believer, as avid as my mother. Jesus was like my superhero, and going to church was a breeze for me, like a walk in the park, go figure. When I was 12 I became pretty “agnostic”.  Then I think at 13 I finally learnt what the word “atheist” means.  Now I’m 16, and I’m as arrogant a teenager as any 16-year-old should be… so yeah, the church can go fuck itself.

Then I came to realise that I, of all people, have in fact been partly responsible for the propagation of Christianity, even without my knowing it…  For example, any church-goer would know what a truly heart-warming feeling it is to hear music played in between the sermons.  Yes it was me, and I assure you that it was I who gave you that fuzzy feeling, and not God — so I confess, it was all a fraud.  I even played the soft chords (usually this progression: I, vi, iib, V, VI, Vb, I…etc) in the background while the pastor said his boring old prayers, so if anyone has ever been healed by God through my pastor’s prayers, then I take credit for that too.  So it logically follows that either I am God, or God does not exist — well, I am happy with either conclusion.

Last year I was brave enough to pull a bit of a stunt.  Knowing that my pastor was(is) a zealous creationist, I wore an evolution T-shirt during my solo violin performance, and it did give me some pleasure, even if no one might have noticed it.  This year, it’s different.  I no longer think of Christianity as a joke.  Well, it IS a joke, but what I’m saying is, it isn’t just that.  I think that Christianity is an evil force in the world, and things become considerably less humorous, when they are evil as well.

This year I want to be serious.  I feel like going up there on stage and, instead of fiddling ‘Holy Night’ or ‘Away in a Manger’, giving instead an hour-long speech on the irrationality of faith.  This is what is called for when an organisation as corrupt as the church asks you for an extra favour, after having already spent the last 10 years or so attempting to brainwash you when you were still so young and defenceless.

Which brings me to the point.  The church needs me, but it also needs you and every one of you.  The church is an organisation and it requires people to be organised.  That’s why they often excommunicate people… as if they have any right to say who gets to join the house of God and who doesn’t.  Like I said, fuck the church.  Fuck it wherever and whenever.  Sorry for being rude but the church really had this one coming.

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